Friday, September 11, 2009

From the department of WTF

This morning, shortly after sunrise, Rebecca is walking home from the gym. She is passed by an extremely tiny jogger in shiny red spandex shorts. Rebecca is listening to Green Day on her iPod. She is relatively content. Suddenly, she feels a tug around her neck. Slowing her stride, Rebecca examines her iPod wires and hoodie drawstring (both of which she routinely mismanages) to find the source of the problem. The tugging increases. Rebecca stops moving, the tug stops increasing but doesn't go away. She claws at her neck and finds: a noose!

Ok, ok, technically, it wasn't a noose because it didn't pull tight, but it was a loop of cord hanging from the tree above my head!!! More like a garrotte, I suppose.


The jogger missed it because she was too short, but it was exactly the right height for yours truly.

I was so alarmed and dismayed to learn that my neighbours were attempting to assassinate me with Robin-Hood-style tactics that I could not disentangle myself from the cord. Suddenly, a woman got out of a car that had been idling in the driveway I was standing in front of--I'm not sure if she was eager to help, annoyed that her dastardly plan had been foiled, or just wanted to pull out of her driveway! Anyway, she got me out of the cord and then, when I gestured that it could not be left this way (yes, that's exactly what the gesture indicated) she pulled the whole thing down from the tree (it wasn't bound all that tight) and promised to throw it away.

With no one to arrest and no actual damage done, I went home, in a state of severe discombobulation. Why would anyone want to kill me?

My only theory is that my state of attractiveness is not very high when I am wandering around post-gym, semi-dawn. Perhaps the neighbours think I am bringing down property values? The aforementioned hoodie in fact predates the term, as it was purchased by my father in the early 1990s at BiWay and given to my brother, who did not want it, which is how I ended up with it. So yeah, not a fashion plate, but hardly a cue for murder?

To recapitulate: WTF?



Unknown said...


AMT said...

... i am totally totally confused.

i am pretty sure your neighbours did not have you in mind when they put up their noose. but i am totally beyond understanding here.

saleema said...

WTF, indeed!? That is nightmarish!!

You're going to have to "keep your hand at the level of your eyes" (like in the Phantom of the Opera) while jogging now.